Dear Sundar,

Firstly, thank you so much. We cannot stress enough on how proud we are of your work, your humility, your dedication, and of course your designation as the CEO of Google. It has affected my life personally in more ways than you would imagine.

For starters, it has been a welcome change to have conversations with the first floor aunty go from ‘Wo Kejriwal tumhare college ka hai na?’ to ‘Kya Google ka head aapke college ka hai?’ She has been nicer to me and stopped hanging wet clothes on her balcony so that it doesn’t drip on my steps. I am thankful to you for that.

Hence, when I came across this article: Android N could be named after an Indian dessert, I got concerned and felt it to be my fraternal obligation to offer you my random expert advice on the subject. This open letter comes from me, from one man to another, from one nerd to another and from one KGPian to another.

You see Sundar, the most crucial factor in some of the key things in life, say clicking the perfect picture, cooking Baigan-bharta, hitting a copy book cover-drive, reaching an orgasm and almost everything interesting in life… is timing. Life throws opportunities at you, and you have to grab them. At the right time. Like Patanjali did when they launched Ramdev Baba’s noodles last summer, or Rakhi Sawant did by building her entire career on a kiss. Timing is the key, Sundar, and am sure you would know that!

You had the opportunity to name Android ‘L’ whatever you wanted: Laddoo, Lassi, or even Ledikeni (that’s a Bong sweet named after ‘Lady Kenny’ by the way). But instead you went for what – Lollipop, the most uncreative sweet that’s basically a mass of sugar. Life threw another chance at you with ‘M’. And you could have gone with Mithai, Modak, Malpua, Misti Doi (Bongs, sweet Bongs!).

But no, you went for Marshmallow: something that tastes like a sponge dipped in rose water, no match for the valorous M-Indian sweets.

And now you wake up, wanting to go all Swadesi at the most trickiest letter. It’s a trap, Sundar, it’s a dead end, a Zugzwang! I know you were in the mid of a bunch of (the fairytale) DU girls, and couldn’t resist making a promise. But then, it doesn’t really impress anyone if you come too soon. Does it?

Can you think of one Indian sweet beginning with letter N? Hun? ‘N’o? Take your time, no please do.

Android

You cannot; because I have spent hours researching on Wikipedia, Quora, even Yahoo Answers; not a single decent name: ‘N’othing, ‘N’ada, ‘N’one, ‘N’ope, Hobe ‘N’a. Twitter came out with lame suggestions like Nimbu Pani (which isn’t even a sweet or sweet as the KGP mess made it, remember?). There was Nariyal Barfi and Naan Khatai but the thing is: they spoil the ‘aesthetic beauty’ by being compound words. The word we are looking for is elegant, cute, simple and short: like ‘N’eil, ‘N’itin or Mukesh.

So Sundar, my advice would be to hold those horses for a bit and let those Angrez have it this time. You could just ask Larry for suggestions this time: there’s Nutella, Nougat, Nutberry? Well.

I suggest you also pass ‘O’, and wait till ‘P’ and we shall have bountiful options: Peda, Petha, Pinni, Pitha, Pakoda (made with sugar), Pooranpoli, and so on.

So Sundar, I hope you consider the suggestion and save yourself from this stalemate. I make a good consultant you see (possible hiring?). Although, I kind of like my current job making cool stuff at Witworks; but they are way poorer, and don’t offer a fancy colorful cap upon joining the team.

Let me know when you are in the country next time, and we could catch up over a coffee may be. I am really interested to know what Google is up to next, Alphabet, whatever.

Peace.

Your Fellow Alumnus